If you think your parents are dysfunctional, it's highly likely, you're dysfunctional yourself.
But the fact you're reading this means you sort of acknowledge that detail in your life and want to make the positive change by
a) acknowledging and accepting that you need to change
b) accepting that you're screwed up
c) accepting that your parents had a hand in you're being screwed up
d) you're willing to own and you do `fess up to your being screwed up -- (hey look, sure you're parents fucked you up but most of who you are is You so you're still very much responsible for how you turn out, you just need to work on yourself for at least foreverrrrr but hey, at least by doing so you grow and become mature enough to not blame and place accountability on other people because that is what being an adult is, kid).
So now that you admit you're dysfunctional, what should you do if your parents won't?
1 Let them go
Better yet, let them be. Leave them be.
One of the probable reasons why you're dysfunctional is because you have been controlled a lot. You were told what to feel, what you're supposed to feel, what to do, what you're supposed to do - as if you are incapable of doing and being these on your own. Though this may or may not be your parents fault as they may have been told what to feel and do themselves by their own parents - and they couldn't get themselves out of that rut - it's not your job to fix them.
On your part, the only thing you can do is to allow them to be whoever they are. Controlling them is futile, it also won't work. How do you know it won't work?? Well, did it work for you????
No? Then it won't work for them too.
2 Give back to them what they're dishing out
If you do this, there are 2 ways this could play out.
One - things will get worse. A war could erupt - an irreparable one that will signal the end of both your worlds.
Two - you or the other or both of you will back off.
If you do this to your mother and she's a narcissist - e.g. she considers you as her extension so your success becomes her own and that you are expected to follow her orders, think like her, be like her aka you are her twin or her third arm - she could back off.
For narcissists, nothing's worse when they receive what they themselves give out. When a mirror is put in front of narcs and they are made to face and look at what they themselves are guilty of doing/being -- this is akin to a nightmare.
Narcs never admit they have a problem they need to fix. They never admit they are guilty of anything. So what they do is project their own sins onto others, e.g. they label others as having "a personality problem," they call people "opportunists," "controlling / manipulators" to the extent they could even call their own flesh and blood as "unstable" because their own flesh and blood decided to have a mind of his/her own -- ergo they could no longer make their son/daughter (aka extension) do whatever the hell it is they want him/her to do.
3 Ignore them when they're acting out
You know how when kids cry and whine because you didn't give them that toy they were pointing at in a store? and then they lie on the floor and cry even more louder so you will do what is appropriate and buy them that toy so people will not think how terrible a parent you are for not pacifying your child's scandalous tantrum?
The same difference goes with dysfunctional parents.
You know the best solution to this situation? Don't give them what they want.
Their crying, their whining have 2 objectives:
To provoke your guilt, e.g. by saying:
"We didn't raise you that way" (when parent say this, what they actually mean is "Repent for your
sins because you're not supposed to do this to us even if we inadvertently conditioned you to.");
"Look at what your behavior is doing to us." (when parents say this, they're putting the blame on
you for their reaction. This is very manipulative, cunning. They are giving to you the responsibility
for something they have total control of and putting on your hands something you have no power
over. It is extremely mean. It's a fucked up way to raise kids who will value guilt as a virtue. Kids
who grow up this way choose partners or people who will provoke the same guilt in them and so
give their all and everything (e.g., they allow their partners to step all over them, they allow their
partners to use their mercedes benz because it makes them feel happy and not guilty when they
share too much of their blessings to others, they think every quantity of their self is worth giving so
as not to feel guilty when they save some/none for themselves). Wherever your parents learned this
fucked up idea from -- take a guess, its probably from their parents or guardians too - and they're
doing / passing the same fucked up shit on you.
To not make you forget who's boss aka To not make you forget who runs the show aka To not make you forget who you should follow.
4 When your parents are fighting and you're unsure who's telling the truth, don't take sides
Authentic truth is simple and straightforward. It only gets blurred when an aspect of it is shielded, hidden or a part of it is intentionally obscured so your perception could be easily managed / manipulated so you only see what your parent wants you to see.
When you have doubts about who is telling the truth and none of your parents are willing to reveal the 100% facts (because of self-preservation), do the fact-checking and verification yourself.
But when you're just 5 years old, this is easier said than done. Until then, I'll pray that you don't grow up to be slick, manipulative and cunning yourself.
5 Do not allow one or both of your parents to use you as a pawn so he/she can win in his/her war
Remember, you are not property. You are not money. You are not something that can be split in half.
You are a person, an individual. You do not deserve to be played with, controlled like a robot or manipulated like a puppet. You are a person who can think and feel for yourself.
Go to a trusted relative, family member or friend so you can avoid being poisoned by one of both of your parents twisted sensibility. Be open also to the possibility that your parents do not know - however hard they try or however hard they convince you or convince themselves - how to authentically love. They're just hopeless like that. Rest in the fact that at least, by giving yourself space by being away from them, you know how to love yourself.
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