What we can learn from Lance Armstrong and others like him

Lance Armstrong is NOT sorry, remorseful and never did he - or will he ever - feel guilty.

He is manipulative, admits he never felt all the illegal things he did was wrong, is sociopathic, admits he is arrogant, admits he's narcissistic.

`Lie strong, defy all who did him "wrong"' - seems to be his motto.

By "wrong" - in Armstrong's vocabulary - is whatever he decides as "wrong."

According to Armstrong, anyone and everyone,who tells the truth about him/who exposes his lies/who reveals his illegal activities/who shows and tells the world who Armstrong really is

needs to be shut up/bullied into shutting up/ must be labeled as "crazy," "bitch" - but not "fat"/sued/maligned & gather other people to help malign these "crazy" "bitches."

How do we know he's not really sorry?

We hear him say "sorry" but this is not backed up with authentic feelings of being sorry - such as remorse or guilt or the feeling that he did something wrong - all of which he says he did not feel and he himself admits the fact that his non-feelings towards all these was "scary" - "scarier" - "scariest."

See how he rationalized away his cheating by looking it up and backing up his belief with a dictionary definition of the word.





Also, despite his non-apologetic "sorry,"

despite him admitting that he is "a bully"

he doesn't back all these up with specifics even when pointedly asked

and settles instead to superficial generalizations

partnered with



contempt

arrogance

and the overall feeling that he is pleased with himself for putting one over everyone.

"This is too late."

Thanks to Oprah's interview with Armstrong, we have a solid example of the lessons we could pick up from him and others like him who lie, cheat, bully and manipulate  aka a narcissistic personality disordered psychopath.


1 When someone admits he is a jerk, an "arrogant prick", "I deserve this," "deeply flawed (at 1:29 while smiling)" -- this is not equal to an admission of one's shortcomings - in their eyes they are just describing themselves AS IS, they could even take these as their strengths.

Not because they have recognized their being a jerk or an arrogant prick doesn't mean change is possible. This only means they are verbalizing what you already know and what they are proud of.

Change is only possible when recognition is partnered with authentic remorse and guilt for hurting others.



Run away from these kind of people. But first, believe these descriptions of themselves - they are their own experts and they know what they are capable of. As Tita Oprah says, "When someone tells you who they are the first time, believe them."


2  When there is arrogance, there is always a propensity to lie, exaggerate. Arrogant people are never sorry for any hurts they did. They could only feel pleasure from being able to put one over everyone; for duping and getting away with it.  And when there is no authentic apology, there is no authentic remorse. When there is no guilt, the hurts these arrogant people inflict will happen again.


3 Not even the closest family member or persons in a narcissist's life could make these people change.
Not their kids or the trust their kids have on them are enough to make them switch off their evil intent.

See how Armstrong dismisses his lying even in front of his eldest child when he tells his son what to say when confronted by others about him:

"Hey, my father said he was sorry."

And look at how he smiles when he realizes his son "trusts (him)" despite his brazen lies -
 and which he admits at 3:00 "makes it (even) sicker."

He smiles at that "sick" fact!!!

none of these he actually means.


"Why now?" Oprah asks Armstrong.

After more than a decade of lies, why `fess up now?

After all those brazen denials, why now?

This is another sign of how INAUTHENTIC his apology is.

You don't step on someone's foot and apologize for it ten years later - unless you have an agenda that will be to your benefit.



.

Baket muntik na mawalan ng pulso si Tita Amy dahil kay Renato

Ganito ang kwento,

si Renato (tawagin natin siyang Papa Ren) may ka-live-in,

ang pangalan ng ka-live-in nya si Nelia. Tawagin natin syang Pamela-mela 1. Sabi ni 1, dati raw siyang "tomboy" pero ngayon in-love na sya sa lalake - sa katauhan ni Renato - dahil

"masarap" daw at "lahat binibigay nya."



Pero, si Renato meron din daw

Melinda (ang asawa daw ni Melinda nasa abroad) - may 5 anak. Tawagin natin siyang Pamela-mela 2.


Sabi naman ni Melinda, si Renato daw

"mabait," "lagi nasa tabi ko,"

"mapagmahal, maalalahanin (at) malambing."



Pero ulit, si Renato meron din daw

Rosa Mia (hiwalay sa asawa at may 3 ang anak). Siya naman si Pamela-mela 3.

Gusto ni Rosa Mia si Renato dahil

"mabait sya, magaling magalaga sa anak ko (at)

pinangakuan nya ko na lilipat kami sa Tarlac."



In summary, sabi ni Pamela-mela 1:


"Mahal ko (si Renato)."


sabi ni Pamela-mela 2:


"Mahal na mahal ko (si Renato). Higit sa buhay ko ang pagmamahal kosa kanya."


sabi ni Pamela-mela 3:

"Mahal na mahal ko sya hanggang kamatayan
naniniwala ako na sya makakasama ko hanggang pagkamatay ko."




Ang hindi alam ni Pamela-mela 2 may Pamela-mela 3 si Renato (& vice versa).

Hindi rin nila alam na may Pamela-mela 1 na pala.


Eto namang si Pamela-mela 1, alam na may Pamela-mela 2 at Pamela-mela 3 si Renato at okay lang daw eto sa kanya.


Maya-maya, lumabas si Renato para ipakita at i-isplika kung bakit sobra siyang pogi.

Dito niya inamin na kaya siya may Rosa Mia ay dahil nakukuhanan niya eto ng barbecue na siyang pinang-uulam nila ni
Pamela-mela 1

-- with matching turning the tables against Rosa Mia, pinamukha niya kay Rosa na eto ang may kasalanan at hindi sya kasi

"ginusto mo rin naman di ba! Ikaw nagsabi na babayaran kita sa pamamagitan ng pagbibigay ko sayo ng kaligayahan diba!"

and yes, sinigurado ni Renato na siya pa ang galit. Para nga sana malipat dun sa isa yung pagsisisi at hindi sa kanya.


Pinamukha din ni Renato na si Rosa Mia ang nagyayaya at nagbabayad sa apartelle na pinag-pupulot-gataan nila bilang pruweba at pag highlight sa kasalanan ng huli para nga di mapansin ang mga kasalanan niya:

at ang mga eto ay:

1 ang pagmamanipula sa damdamin,

2 ang pagsisinungaling

3 at paggamit sa kahinaan ni Rosa Mia.


Bukod sa mga eto, ang winning statement of the day ay galing kay -- sino pa e di kay Papa Ren -- nang sinabi niya na:

"HINDI NGA AKO GUWAPO PERO MAGALING NAMAN AKO!"


Dito na nawalan ng pulso si Tita Amy.

Ang ibang nasa audience sinabunutan naman ang sarili.

Hindi nila kinaya ang kayabangan ni Papa Ren.






May kilala ka bang ganito ang ugali?

Alam niyo ba kung ano ang tawag sa ganyang ugali ni Papa Ren?


Mga ate at kuya, si Papa Ren may NPD - Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Hindi ibig sabihin nito, lagi niyang tinitingnan ang sarili sa salamin.



Ang tingin ng mga taong may NPD sa mga kapwa nya tao ay mapag-kukunan ng supply.

Pag nakakita siya ng nilalang, ang default mindset nya: anong meron dito na pwde kong minahin?

Si Nelia may lupain sa Tarlac.

Si Rosa Mia, may barbecue-han na siyang pinagkukunan ni Papa Ren at ni Nelia ng ulam (na walang bayad). Si Rosa Mia din ang nagbabayad sa apartelle pag nag-ju-jugs-jugs-jugs-an sila ni Ren.

Si Melinda, binibigyan si Papa Ren ng ka-perahan courtesy of her OFW husband (kelangan nito ng sariling Face2Faceepisode).



Bale, ang tingin ng mga taong may NPD sa kanilang sarili ay "winner." Lagi silang "winner." Ang kaibahan nila sa mga taong may healthy sense of self ay wala silang pakielam kung sino maapakan nila, masaktan nila, magamit nila basta winner sila. Hindi sila papatalo.

Sa relasyon, gusto nila sila ang laging bida. Sila ang laging napapansin, pinapansin.

Ito ang dahilan kaya kumanta si Papa Ren. At ito rin ang dahilan kung bakit ayaw nya tumigil sa pagkanta. Tumigil lang sya ng hinagisan siya ni Rosa Mia ng upuan.

Kaya sinabi ni Papa Ren, "Ganyan ko sila nakuha." (tinutukoy niya ang maganda niyang pagkanta)
Kitam, nasa bokubularyo niya talaga ang "pag-kuha."


Gusto ni Papa Ren na siya ang kinaiinisan ng dalawa. Na siya ang nasa gitna ng gulo. Na siya ang pinapalakpakan / kinaiinisan ng madlang tao.

Feel na feel nya ang dedication na sinabi nya para kina Melinda at Rosa Mia:

"Sana sa awitin ko ay magbago ang buhay nyo."

Supply din kasi - hindi lang ang barbecue, pera o sex - ang atensyon na nakukuha niya mula sa dalawa.

O kahit anong atensyon ng kahit sino.

Atensyon ng pagmamahal man eto o galit - walang pinagkaiba. Ang mahalaga, napapansin siya. Pag napapansin siya, nabubuhayan siya ng loob. Pakiramdam niya buo siya. Pag pakiramdam niyang buo siya, maligaya siya. Pag maligaya siya, wala siyang pakielam kung masama ang loob ng iba.

Siya lang ang importante dito. Hindi ikaw. HIndi ibang tao.


Nakakawala talaga ng pulso ang pakikipag-interaksyon sa mga taong may NPD.

Uubusin kasi nila ang lahat ng buhay sa pulso mo, lahat ng pera sa bulsa mo, lahat ng atensyon mo sa sarili mo mawawala at mapupunta lang sa kanya, wala nang iba.

Pero, sa una, nakaka-humaling sila.

Nakaka-akit.

Parang ikaw lang ang tao sa mundo kasi ikaw lang ang pinapansin niya. Feeling bongga ka talaga.

Kasi, sa stage na ito, pinag-aaralan ka nya. Ano kahinaan mo. Ano mabibigay mo sa kanya. Hanggang saan lang kaya mong ibigay sa kanya, sinusulat nya na ang mga eto sa notebook nya sa ulo.

Pag alam na niya ang mga kaya niyang kunin sayo, ang gusto mong ibigay, ang kaya mo lang ibigay - madalas sa minsan - nahumaling ka na sa kanya. Nakadikit ka na sa kanya. Na-adik ka na sa binibigay niya at sa nakukuha mo rin sa kanya.


Si Nelia - porket alam niya na may dalawa pa bukod sa kanya - akala niya safe sya. Sya ang secondary narcissistic suppy ni Renato.

Si Melinda at Rosa Mia ang primary narcisstic supply. Ang Face to Face ang naging Primary Narcissistic Supply din ni Renato.

Kung wala nang makuhang supply si Renato kay Nelia, madalas sa minsan, hahanap at hahanap eto ulit.

Walang katapusang hanapan at pagsipsip ng supply ang buhay at trabaho ng taong may NPD.

Ngayong may alam ka na. Maging aware ka.

Subukan mong wag magkamali na baguhin sila. Madalas sa madalas, ikaw ang mababago ng taong may NPD. Kung hindi ka mawawalan ng pulso, makukuha nya ang katinuan/kapuso-an mo. Wag mong hayaang mangyari ito.

Filipinos are not shallow. Filipinos are codependent. F Sionil Jose is lazy and wrong.

One of my idols, F Sionil Jose - author of the novels Mass, Tree & my favorite The Pretenders - said:

“The Pinoy is shallow, mababaw ang kaligayahan. Their idols (Willie Revillame / Kris Aquino) reflect this shallowness.”

I do not personally know F Sionil Jose - though I have been to his Solidaridad Bookstore in Padre Faura to have my copies of Ermita and The Pretenders signed by his literary excellency - so my comments and opinions about him are only based on what I have read him say.

I could only guess that he probably decided to take the obvious route or maybe his years of experience dictated on him the facts of his Filipinos-are-shallow thesis. But I factually feel that it is lazy - and therefore easier - to call people `shallow' or stupid than to find out why they are the way they are.

I feel Filipinos are NOT shallow for still loving, watching and salivating for the antics of alleged mass murderer Willie Revillame.

My gut says the Filipino is NOT shallow for wanting to buy anything and everything with Kris Aquino's face on it.

Most Filipinos are actually codependent. And it is not our fault. We are all conditioned to be one.



**

"Codependency is

* a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways..

and

* involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being
excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.

* Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive
compliance, and/or control patterns."


Codependence - the concept - had its roots allegedly from the group Alcoholics Anonymous when drunks realized that they are a problem as much as the people around them who let them drink and/or who probably - knowingly/unknowingly - may have caused or encouraged them to drink in the first place (the former is truer than the latter though).

Codependents are intense enablers. Or, "I give you ME, but you must give me ME."

Marge Simpson in the Simpsons episode Regarding Margie forgot she was an enabler/codependent when she had amnesia (she fell & hit her head after inhaling tons of fumes from cleaning detergents).

When she lost her memory, Marge regained her self-esteem and refused to believe Homer is her husband. Her sisters then set her up on a date with a man who unfortunately did not like the idea of a woman having three kids so he dumped her. Homer runs to Marge's defense and explains to the man Marge's classic codependent behaviors and why she is therefore a good catch:



Homer to Man: "You idiot! Do you know what you just gave up?..You just walked away from the sweetest most beautiful woman a guy could want. In ten years, she never had the last slice of pizza and she's never complained. Every election she wishes she could vote for both guys because they both seem nice. And there's a light inside her that makes everyone else look better. And you blew her off."

Man: "Dude, she's got three kids."

Homer: "I...really? Well, she's still great."


Marge eventually got her memory back when she was reminded of Homer's alcoholism.



Homer: "What do you say we stop for a drink on the way home?"

Marge: "You drink?"

Homer: "Uh, yeah, I started while you were in the hospital. You see, I recently tried this thing called beer..."

Marge: (gasps) "I remember everything now. You get drunk all the time!"

Homer: "Oh...but do you also remember that you're an enabler?"

Marge: "Of course! That's why we're such a great team" (she kiss Homer on the cheek).

(Homer begins swerving uncontrollably)

Marge: "Homer, have you been drinking today?"

Homer: "I sure have, partner!"



***

"In families, Codependent behaviors are a set of coping behaviors that are passed from generation to generation...in order to survive...family members across the next three or four generations learn a set of behaviors which help them deal with the emotional pain inherited from the original dysfunctional family unit. These behaviors, although designed to relieve pain, create pain! They constitute a deeply embedded "cognitive set" upon which codependency or dependency disorders are founded. Whether or not addiction existed in our nuclear family, codependency is a deeply rooted compulsive behavior that is born out of a dysfunctional family system."

In Filipino families, an example of a codependent is a Filipina OFW mother I saw in a GMA-7 documentary years ago who was working her butt off in Hongkong to send money to her unemployed husband, unemployed adult children and their unemployed children's wives/husbands and kids.

In my family, codependency is where an aunt does/spends/gives anything and everything for family members. She doesnt ask for anyone's help and she cannot say no when she needs to for fear of being judged or thought little of. She is giving in order to get - be it attention/perceived love or feigned respect.

It is a sick cycle and a sad mindset.

Think of the The Giving Tree and replace it with a friend, relative or person you know who displays self-sacrifice to a fault. Or could it be you?




****

Schools and churches helped us to be codependents too. Didn't they teach us to give and give until the givee's cup runneth over? That we are supposed to sacrifice our selves the way - the nuns in our Catholic school and the priests in any and every church said - Christ did? Aren't we all supposed to deny pleasure and beat ourselves if we fail to act like a good moral super being? So says too mainstream TV.


Again, it is not our fault if we are codependent because everybody is and every good Filipino is supposed to be one.





Which brings us back to F Sionil Jose's i-heart-to-hate-attitude for Willy Revillame and his female counterpart Kris Aquino.

Today is the age when big TV networks create and build up someone to be (have) a (big) personality. By the power of the network's (and its minion's) grey skull, they could now pull out from thin air the words "family," "love" and spin it to mean as if it is - and make it all / and that they're doing it all - for and about us. But actually, all of it is for and about the networks. It was never really all about us and it never will.



And everybody needs to be codependent or else, no one will pay any attention to the church's, school's, TV's & any mainstream institution's machinations, manipulations and mind fuck.

They need to get something from us.

In television, ratings embody this. Specifically, attention is the currency we give them. They want our attention badly they are willing to bribe us for it.

They bribe us with hope. They keep us addicted to hope. Hope is the drug and it comes in many forms: the chance to win tons of money, a house and lot, a kabuhayan showcase.

I remember TV didn't used to be like this, or at least not this desperately needy. It used to be all for fun. Now, networks are taking the taking of our attention seriously as if our life depended on it.

The promise of a good life is being dangled under our noses. And if we feel empty, if we always feel lacking, we will feel desperate enough to bite. Desperation and neediness attract desperate and needy people.






They need us to feel insecure all day everyday so we can look forward to the coming of a grandiose savior which will give us anything and everything we want because we are too little, too weak, too small to provide for ourselves and to be our own Source.

And these are what Willie Revillame, Kris Aquino and the coddlers, enablers, creators of these popularly beautiful monsters live off of - our emptiness is theirs to fill in the same way they would most likely be dead unless we give them our attention.

Regardless of whether they receive good attention or bad is not the point. They'd take anything and everything. This is why Willie and his defunct show was still alive even after the Ultra stampede killed a number of his loyal & faithful audience.

If they ended the show at such a low point, it would be a crass admission of guilt. Plus, Willie is an extension of the big TV network's ego so cutting him off is similar to them severing an arm. It would hurt, it would bleed and it would not look good. (Iimage is everything specially for those who always want to look their best on the reflections off their TV screens.)

But when Willie started rebelling against them, the network saw him no longer as the Golden Child but a monster they will never admit they helped create. The least they could do is devalue him. Meanwhile, all Willie could do is to prop himself up further in a different network whilst still taking full advantage of the same neediness and desperation he helped promote.

And since we are codependently conditioned, we continually provide what Willie wants - and even crave more of it. We allowed Willie to return and we watch him still. We have bought a ticket to play in his game. We buy in, he wins.

He takes the entire pie, we are more than happy with the crumbs.

All these work / operate and have successfully been made possible because of the belief planted in us by big worldly self-professed saviors that something is better and bigger than us.

That there is a powerful stalker who always knows what we are up to and what is best for us. That we should depend anything and everything upon a powerful stalker because us alone, by ourselves, are powerless. We believe we do not hold the key to our lives. Someone else does. And we should surrender our lives to it or him.

Essentially, our dysfunctional psyche and stagnant-platitudes-disguised-as-truths also helps keep all these functioning.

Go ahead, ask yourself and review all the things you have heard, have read or others have said you do, must do, need to do or else "you'll go to hell," "you'll go crazy," "you'll die," "you'll be punished," etc. and see - whether you believe the platitude or not - how you actually unconsciously live it.

e.g.

The fear of dog is the beginning of wisdom

Turn the other cheek so you can have it slapped too

Humble yourself and be proud of it

Love your enemies but secretly hate them

Lack of money is the root of all evil

Suffering now is GOOD because Heaven's reward for it is BETTER. Plus, because your persecutors will be shat on by God anyway: EXCELLENT.

This heart-felt fully beautiful song sums up the mindset of codependence which we have been taught to believe we must aspire to since it is noble and good to do so.




All these are ingrained deep in our selves it would probably take tons of digging through heaps of denial to get to our own core truth. So dig we must.

The Filipino therefore is not shallow. We are actually working through deep ingrained patterns of cultural and personal issues of self-worth.

Dog help us all. But for starters, feel free to first help your self.