Dear (Place your Name here),
I pray you're feeling better now.
Though I know that me saying this to you is similar to me telling a pedestrian in Manila, "You'll be safe,"
you also know deep in your heart of hearts that being in the relationship you were in is akin to you crossing the street despite CLEAR WARNING SIGNS that doing so would cause death.
And now you feel intense regret, anger for doing so.
The feeling of despair, sadness, remorse, shame is so powerful you cannot shake it off your mind, your body, your self.
It is as if you're trapped in a fog and everywhere you look, everywhere you go you can only see and feel pain. You feel like a walking wound - not wounded. You feel like a wound.
You do not feel like a person.
You feel like you've been dumped on, used, abused, violated, your trust betrayed, lied to, manipulated.
You feel you are a victim.
You do not know what to do.
All you want to do right now is cry.
Then
Go cry.
Go sob.
Go gasp.
Cry and wail from your gut.
Let your tears flow, let your snot go.
Beat your pillows - or beat the hotel pillows. Go anywhere you can do all these freely and away from the eyes and ears of people who might worry that you're losing your mind.
You have lost your mind saying yes to that relationship, now you're just getting it back.
You're getting yourself back. You're also getting your spirit back. But you need to clear the grief and anger from your body first.
Feel free to be sad, be mad. Be all of the above.
All you want right now is to shout.
So go shout.
Go scream.
Let it all out.
Scream from the top of your lungs.
Then maybe, if you listen to yourself hard enough, you'll hear yourself say, "I had a hand in it."
If you look at yourself hard enough, you'll see how you walked yourself to the place where you are now.
And your regret dissolves.
You become kind to yourself.
You see the gift in the pain.
You see, feel, realize that you have received a priceless treasure.
You have been given YOU.
You've been shown the ways,
you have lived the ways of how to NOT love you.
You have been given the gift of your Self.
You now know what to do to LOVE YOU more - the AUTHENTIC YOU - not the You created in your mind, not the You others have created in their minds, not the You which you think You should be.
The YOU just as YOU are.
You now recognize the You who didnt know any better, the You who was working at the level you knew - the level you were used to or grew up into; the level you think you should be in; the level others before you were also in and so you thought you should also be into because you believed that is what you're supposed to do.
Your pain is now telling you to LOVE yourself more.
Go look at yourself in the mirror.
Stand in front of the mirror and look at yourself.
Look at yourself in the eyes and
Tell yourself, "I love you,"
and
"I'm sorry."
Mean it. You know you do.
How does it feel to now realize that the dude who said he loved you really didnt?
how does it feel to now know that he couldnt love you?
How could you choose someone to love you when you didnt even love your self?
Now that you know that you didnt love yourself, how could you love others too?
Do you now know that you were in pseudo-love with him as much as he was to you?
And no, love is not giving until it hurts.
Giving is giving. It is not loving.
Helping is helping. It is not loving.
Love is simply loving.
There is no requirement to love. It just is. It does not expect.
Love is not a business transaction. Love is not giving X because you were provided Y.
Love is not doing Z because you were made to feel X.
Love is not giving yourself crumbs and offering the entire cake to others.
"Magtira ka para sayo." is not a loving thing to say or do to yourself.
If you leave crumbs for yourself, you can only give crumbs to others.
Love yourself enough to enjoy the cake. You can only share to others what you yourself have.
You also now know that a decent / mature person - no matter how much codependent / generous / willing you are to give too much of yourself / to allow yourself to get hurt / how poor your self-boundaries are - does not take advantage of your vulnerability/ does not get abusive / disrespectful / cruel.
You also now know that however painful, gut-wrenching, wounding everything is,
your soul is safe.
You have crossed the street
and You are alive.
Be thankful too that you now know there's always an overpass you can walk on to help you get there safe, relatively risk-free and sound.
Celebrate that too.
Love,
Cheezmiss
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